On the darkest day in what to many must seem like the darkest year, a lot of people will be feeling low. None more so than the SAD sufferer. In this post, I share my own experiences of Seasonal Affective Disorder. How it affects me, what I’ve learnt about it, and things I’ve discovered which help.

I first experienced depression as a young adult. It was a state that descended without warning and I had no control over it. One day I’d be fine, the next engulfed in pathological gloom that reshaped the past, clouded the future and made the present unbearable.

It was as though someone had flicked a switch inside my brain, and suddenly I was depressed. This state, when it arrived, threatened to last forever. But it would, eventually, lift, sometimes with the help of medication. Whoever controlled the switch, it wasn’t me.

Then one year I had a lightbulb moment. Someone said ‘is it seasonal?’. I looked back over past moods and everything fitted into place. A pattern emerged that seemed so blindingly obvious it’s now hard to understand why nobody suggested it before. But back then, people didn’t talk about depression much.

I’d heard about SAD, but thought it was a fad. Now I looked into it, saw scientific links between light levels, serotonin and the functioning of the bran,  it made absolute sense.

So now, several decades on from that revelation, each winter I walk a well-trodden path.

It happens in November. I believe that even in a world without calendars or clocks, I would know when November hits. My body tells me.  When the clocks fall back to winter-time,  my mood plummets.

November is my worst month. I rage against the dying of the light. The month has other connotations too, personal tragedies I associate with the time of year. My niece died suddenly in November. Her brother three years later. Both died young. It was the month my mother died too. Although these events are long past, they linger in memory. Subconsciously I brace myself for bad news.

By the time the month is over, my body has adjusted to the falling light levels. My mood, though gloomy, has settled down. I am in hibernation mode. The craziness of Christmas encroaches, bringing distraction and pretty lights, and the year hurtles to its close. January brings lengthening days, the promise of light returning and the wonderful lift that comes with spring.

Symptoms of SAD

I don’t have the same acute feelings of despair I had when I was younger. I’m in a better place in many ways, and I understand the seasonal nature and know that it will pass. But each year I do experience classic SAD symptoms which are:

• Low mood
• Low energy
• Wanting to avoid people
• Feelings of irrational dread
• Feelings of the world closing in
• Pessimism and hopelessness

Learning that others feel this way, that there’s a rational, scientific reason for it, that there are things that can be done to minimise the affects, helped a lot. Perhaps the biggest revelation was the realisation that it’s natural to retreat at this time of year. All creatures do it. Just look at nature. Trees shed their leaves. Plants die back. Some animals sleep through winter. And even ones that don’t fully hibernate slow down and conserve their energy. It’s only us human beings that force ourselves to carry on.

Techniques for dealing with it

Over the years I’ve developed tools that help. Some are advice I’ve been given, others things I’ve worked out for myself. I’m sharing them in case they might help others.

• If possible, get some exercise in daylight before starting work. Once I made the connection between light levels and mood, I started walking to work. Since having the dog, a walk is compulsory anyway!
• Get outdoors again in the middle of the day. This is the time when light levels are highest. Even on a dull day, it makes a difference.
• Remember, it is fine to withdraw a little at this time of year. Allow yourself to slow down, rest, sleep for longer.
• Don’t attempt anything too ambitious. Do your work, concentrate on small achievable goals and give yourself a pat on the back when you achieve them.
• Don’t beat yourself up when you don’t achieve them.
• If you don’t feel like socialising, don’t. This is an easy one this year – but even virtual socials can be draining for the SAD sufferer. Challenge those expectations for you to join in if you don’t want to.
• Stay as healthy as you can. Exercise helps beat stress and lifts mood.
• Eat fruit and vegetables. It’s common for SAD sufferers to crave carbs, but fruit and veg boosts energy levels.
• Spend time with people you really like being with (virtually or face-to-face if Covid rules allow). People who make you laugh and don’t sap your energy. People who you can be yourself with.
• Tell people how you are feeling. SAD is a recognised condition and its much more acceptable to talk about mental health than it used to be.
• Get plenty of sleep. Don’t force yourself to stay up if you’re tired. Sleep is wonderfully restorative and your brain and body need it.
• Think of things that you like about winter. In my case it’s clear, crisp frosty mornings, mulled wine, curling up with a book or watching a movie, and wearing boots!
• Keep a ‘gratitude diary’ listing what went right. I try to list 20 things each day. At first, if you’re feeling down, it can be hard to think of even one thing for the list. But there are always positives if you look for them. It might be as simple as ‘the sun shone today’, or ‘a friend called me’. Once you start listing the positives, your brain begins to seek them out, which helps shift the balance between gloom and optimism.
• Write about how you feel. Let those dark feelings spill out onto the page. This in itself is therapeutic. Then if you wish, go back later and counteract each negative thought with a positive one.

What about light boxes?

Many people find these helpful. I don’t, particularly. I tried one for a while but I found it visually distracting. I prefer to roll with the natural order of things, slowing down over winter and looking looking forward to the energy burst that comes with spring.

Has COVID-19 made SAD worse?

For many, this year has been especially hard. The news is gloomy. Just as we were looking forward to some respite over the next week, we have a new strain of the virus to grapple with, so Christmas for many is cancelled. This is bound to make some of those already feeling low feel worse.

When the UK went into lockdown in early November, people who know about my SAD asked if this made it better or worse.

So, like an optician flashing up red circles on a screen, I’ve asked myself at stages through the winter. Is it better, worse, or about the same?

After working from home all through the spring and summer, we returned to the office in September. It was refreshing to be there, to catch up with people, enjoy that workplace rapport, spend the day in a building with other human beings. But it was short lived. Coronavirus levels shot up again in October. Nottingham briefly became Covid-city with the highest rates in the country, so my colleagues and I decamped once more.

For a SAD sufferer like me, there are actually advantages to Covid restrictions:

• I can get up later, walk the dog at 8am by which time it’s light. Spend longer in the park in daylight and still be at my home-office desk for 9 am.
• It’s easier to get out for a walk or a run at lunchtime too, flexible working means I can just work later, when it’s dark anyway.
• I don’t have to force myself to parties. There aren’t any – they’re banned!

But there are disadvantages too. The structure of the workplace, even if you don’t feel like going, is alterative. Interaction with colleagues can lift your mood and take you out of yourself.

Once it gets dark at four, the evenings can seem interminable, without the commute home to break up the day.

So in answer to the question, is SAD better or worse because of Coronavirus, I’d say – and I speak for myself only, others may well feel differently – it’s about the same.

Return of the light. 

Today is winter solstice. The time when light levels are at their lowest. But with this day comes hope for the SAD sufferer. It may not feel like it, but it’s all uphill from now. With spring, for me at any rate, comes the most glorious high.

On that note, I hope even in these dark days, we can find ways to embrace the winter. In the spirit of the season I leave you with the very excellent Jethro Tull’s Ring Out Solstice Bells

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